Fecal References
A History of the Gentle Art of the Cow Chip Throw
Compiled by John Moore

The story of the Cow Chip Throw is the story of our Western Civilization.
The Cow Chip Throw has been a staple of rural fairs and festivals for hundreds of years. Today people of all walks of life in big cities, small hamlets, suburban bedroom communities with really expensive subdivisions, and even trailer parks enjoy the spectacle that is the Cow Chip Throw.

Early Man and The Cow Chip
Some anthropologists might believe that 100,000 years ago early man used cow chips to bring down small game on the plains of Africa.Warthogs, aardvarks, voles, and rats could all be killed with a well thrown chip. Such game was probably consumed raw at the site of the kill. At night these hardy hunters may have slept under the stars with their cache of chips ever at the ready to fend off predators.

Did You Know?
It’s been speculated that cattle were first domesticated by early man in order to insure a ready supply of cow chips.

Many modern Cow Chip Throw participants still practice the dietary and personal hygene habits of these prehistoric athletes.

Cow Chip Throwing in the Ancient World
The ancient Greek historian and sports columnist Colonus of Duodenum wrote of the early Olympic games. He noted that the Cow Chip Throw was one of the original contests . In the event participants competed in the nude and threw chips across the Parthenon.  Colonus also documented that the Cow Chip Throw was the first event ever eliminated from the games (468 B.C.)

Did You Know?
Scatos of Athens was the first Grand Champion of the Olympic Cow Chip Throw? He won the event in 472 B.C. with a throw of  109 cubits.

Ancient Greece. Best known for the development of the naked Cow Chip throw.
Roman Persecution
Before the Greeks abandoned the sport it had spread to Rome. By the time of Emperor Nero, Cow Chip Throws were a regularly scheduled event in the Coliseum. Apparently winners were held aloft on the shoulders of gladiators and paraded through the streets of Rome, afterwhich they were thrown in a pit of lions. The Roman Senate would declare a holiday and the winner’s family would enjoy a lavish funeral celebration before being burned alive. Today most events just give the winners an inexpensive  trophy.

Did You Know?
Emperor Nero might have banned the Cow Chip Throw after an errant chip sailed into his private bath? The Cow Chip throw was nearly lost forever. Rome’s most prominent second place finishers were forced to flee for their lives.

Lions eliminated the need to refer to any Roman Cow Chip thrower as a “defending champion”.

Barbarians at the gate!
As barbarian hordes swept down on the Roman Empire in the 4th & 5th centuries they encountered secret Roman sects still practicing the Cow Chip Throw. These rugged warriors were naturally drawn to this event for it’s grace, power, and aromatic qualities. After a full day of rape, pillage, impaling one’s enemies and consuming large quantities of fermented mare’s milk, Goth’s and Vandals loved nothing more than a rousing Cow Chip Throw to end the day.

Did You Know?
Attila the Hun may have once thrown a cow chip across the Danube River in a fit of rage?

Men who wear hats with horns are twice as likely to throw Cow Chips as men who don’t wear hats at all.

Did you know?
Haggis is a sheep’s stomach filled with chopped lamb lungs, brains, beef suet, kidneys, liver,onion, and special seasonings. It’s then boiled and served steaming hot. Haggis is NOT served at the Chatham Jaycees Sweet Corn Festival.

The Middle Ages
The Cow Chip Throw spread rapidly in Europe during the Middle Ages. By 1600 there were organized throws in Scotland, France, Austria, and the Netherlands. In Scotland the event was known as the Celtic Dung Hurl and was heralded by the playing of many bagpipes. Winners were awarded with a steaming plate of Haggis. Non-winners were forced to eat as many as three plates of Haggis. This incentive made the Highland clans the most dominant throwers of the era.

Bagpipes Rule!

Nostradamus and the Cow Chip Throw
Some scholars who interperet the writings of Nostradamus seem to believe that he was obsessed with the Sport of Cow Chip Throwing. Of greatest interest the famous 9th Century 137th Quatrain:
Merde farouches de faim fleuues tranner;
part du champ encontre Bovine sera,
En cage de fer le grand fera treisner poop,
Quand rien enfant de Chatham obseruera.
Which some people accept as a prediction that the Cow Chip throw will some day become more popular than the WNBA and chia pets.

Did you know?
Born on December 14, 1503 in St. Remi, France. Nostradamus may have become France’s greatest Cow Chip thrower. He however chose to study medicine instead.

Visonary lunatic or Lunatic visionary? You decide.

Along with horses, smallpox, and distilled spirits, Eurpoean settlers brought the Cow Chip Throw to the New World. In colonial America the Cow Chip Throw was announced by the town crier. Small towns and villages would often challenge each other to friendly competition. In 17th century New England women began to compete in Cow Chip Throws along with the men. Eventually some of the women actually threw farther than their male counterparts. These women were known as witches and they were either burned, hanged, or sometimes both depending on the local customs. In 1771 King George III of England forbid the American colonies from exporting their chips to the United Kingdom. This resulted in the Cow Chippers revolt of 1772. British soldiers became the target of many a chip.

Did you know?
England’s King George III probably never threw a Cow Chip. If he had, it’s possible that the course of history would have been very different.

George III
King of England
Tyrant
Not a Cow Chip Thrower

Did you know?
That after 1776 every American, well, every white male property owing American over the age of 25, was free to practice Cow Chip Throwing in the manner in which they deemed best.

An American Tradition begins
Born in 1809 in Kentucky Abraham Lincoln was undoubtably familiar with cow chips. The great Emancipator’s possible nickname while he lived in New Salem as a young man was the Chip Slinger. During the 1860 Presidential election some slick marketing guys from New York probably changed this to Rail Splitter. Although no records exist, it’s somewhat possible that Abe sought solace in the fields around his beloved Springfield (and Chatham) joyfully tossing chips while Mary had another of her “migranes”. Anyway, he became President saved the Union yadda yadda yadda.

Did you know?
Abraham Lincoln never attended a Chatham Jaycees Sweet Corn Festival. Now aren’t you glad you are not Abraham Lincoln?
“You’d have to shoot me in the head to ever get me back to Springfield, Illinois”
A. Lincoln April 14 1865

Civilization often advances rapidly during wartime, the Civil War was no exception. Surgeons became adept at amputating limbs without the benefit of anestesia, telegraph lines facilitated the rapid spread of news, photography brought pictures of the war to the world, hookers got their catchy name, and Cow Chip Throwing gained national attention.

In 1863 at the battle of Polecat Creek, General Ambrose Brownfinger led his Union troops against a Confederate force of a superior size. In a strange coincidence (possibly due to the presence of several large brewerys in the area), neither force arrived on the battlefield with any ammunition. For three long days the opposing forces exchanged insults across the skirmish lines.

In a stroke of genius (some say as the result of an actual stroke) Gen. Brownfinger ordered his men to gather Cow Chips and throw them at the rebel soldiers. The greycoats soon broke ranks and retreated. The Union troops won the day!

Did you know?
Inspired by his troops at the Battle of Polecat creek Gen. Ambrose Brownfinger committed his life to the sport of Cow Chip throwing. His “Brownfinger’s Rules” are still used today worldwide. For most of his life he suffered from a persistent unexplainable case of e. coli infection. He died penniless, syphilitic, and insane in 1899. By many he is considered the father of the modern Cow Chip Throw.
Rebels without a Chip

No photos exist of General Brownfinger
The Hero of Polecat Creek

The Cow Chip throw today
In 1946 near Roswell, New Mexico, a strange craft reportedly crashed. Witnesses later stated that the alien vehicle was saucer shaped or chip-like in design. Experts (hey we consider them experts) speculate that advanced civilizations have been visiting our planet for years collecting data on Cow Chips. As far as you know the U.S. Air Force has been conducting experiments with Cow Chips beginning in the early 1950’s. In certain circles Cow Chips are thought to be naturally radar absorbent. Cow Chips could be the link between space alien technology and super secret government aerospace projects.

Did you know?
The U.S. Government wants you to believe that the similarity in shape between the B2 bomber and a cow chip is only a coincidence. Others say it’s clearly conspiracy. We invite the reader to draw your own conclusion.
Chip shaped objects have been sighted across the world.

The Chatham Jaycees are recognized world-wide as leaders in Cow Chip technology. Carefully chosen cows are the major component of the Cow Chip manufacturing process. Once the cows have been selected, every step of the process is carefully and scientifically monitored. Throughout the Spring and Summer prodction is in high gear. Chips fall at a rate of several hundred a day in our super secret fields.

Soon it’s harvest time.

Only the choicest Chips are selected for the Illinois Championship Cow Chip Throw. Each chip is hand picked by our Chipmasters and lovingly dried on a vacant lot in a really expensive subdivision. Chip technicians evaluate, grade, and select over 300 chips based on size, shape, overall aerodynamic quality, and fiber content. The latest high tech equipment is always used to ensure competition grade chip quality and to protect public safety.

Did you know?
The Cow Chip is seen by some proponents of Intelligent Design as a proof of their theory. They claim that “evolution” cannot explain how cattle developed the ability to produce Cow Chips, which have no apparent use to the animal. They argue that without thumbs cattle lack the grip required to throw a chip any distance at all ! Therefore it only makes sense that an “intelligence” “designed” cattle specifically for the benefit of the only creature who possesses a thumb, Man, and to a lesser extent, chimpanzees, gorillas, orangutans, gibbons, monkeys, and lemurs.
Stealth Technology based on Cow Chips?

Our team of Chip Technicians personally inspect each chip.